Day 199/ 365
So I haven’t been able to check in here for almost a week, but I’ve been mostly fine. I’ve just been busy and have had less alone down time to be able to sit and check-in with myself. Yesterday, I experienced an intense anxiety attack. I’ve basically been living with severe anxiety for as long as I can remember (almost my whole entire life). It’s been tough but I’ve managed to manage. As I think of the ‘symptoms’ (for the purpose of sharing them on this blog post), so many flashbacks of all my past feelings and experiences with anxiety came rushing back to my memory and my eyes flooded with tears. I’m left feeling completely sorry for myself. Almost like I am living with something I don’t think I deserve to live with. Atleast something I no longer want to live with. Although I started this blog to help me with my overall health (physical, emotional, mental & spiritual), happiness and purpose… I was never specifically thinking of my anxiety. It didn’t ever occur to me that what I feel can possibly be treated so I won’t have to ever experience the physical symptoms again. Although anxiety has bothered me a lot throughout my life… I usually felt better after the moment passed. Yesterday’s feelings of anxiety were different – the experience left me completely depleted of my energy which resulted in a LOT of tears due to feeling very sorry for myself for having to deal with anxiety (and as a result, low energy). This week has been a bit difficult for me to begin with. A lot of work related stress. Feeling so tired and low energy but still getting up to continue with my day. Trying very hard to push through the day. Couple that with yesterday’s anxiety attack and I was left completely drained and depleted. I’ve just had enough. I don’t want to live with it anymore. It physically and mentally and emotionally hurts. I am in so much anguish right now. I already spoke to my husband for a day off but I don’t know how that’s going to help because I really wanted to rest and sleep in but I actually haven’t been able to sleep at all. To regain my energy (and some of my happiness), I ordered a pizza yesterday from one of my favourite shops so I can eat and watch friends at the same time – this usually helps me. But yesterday the pizza was not good. I ate it anyways. And now I am uncomfortable from overeating. Anyways, as I’ve had broken sleep and didn’t know how to control my crying and feeling sorry for myself – I didn’t know who to talk to. I thought of calling my father in law as he usually helps but it seems that he’s been busy so I decided to come here – to my blog. I realized I really have to be the one to help myself through this. It’s my problem. And I am responsible to figure it out (mostly on my own). I have more to share but I’ll be back later.