So today is day 96 of the 365 day challenge I started on June 1st after my 27th birthday. I started it because I wanted to take out time to focus on myself and make some changes in my life before my next birthday. I haven’t really been able to do that.
I woke up happier today. It’s because I woke up with a sense of purpose and motivation. After admitting to myself (out loud) yesterday that I am mentally and emotionally at my lowest (and actually using the word ‘depressed’ to describe myself) that I’ve ever been (regardless of what brought me to this point), I am feeling so free.
I was reading a great article yesterday on ‘Why accepting your depression is the first step to getting better’ The words really resonated with me: Acceptance is liberating. Acceptance is the first step towards getting better. Acceptance is empowering too. Honestly, I am feeling a sense of purpose in life right now – something I have been seeking for a long while and couldn’t quite figure out what to do. I always always knew in my heart that I am not living my truth. It’s basically been a daily battle with my circumstances.
I have a responsibility with my husband’s business that I really can’t walk away from (and I don’t think it’s necessary either). But what I can do (and made a decision effective last night to do) is to finally prioritize myself over the business – in any way I see fit WITHOUT the guilt. I went away for a weekend getaway last weekend (more on this later) and after coming back, I re-engrossed myself with work (more things piled up) and my negative thoughts which I have been carrying with me in my heart for what feels like atleast a couple weeks, maybe months, maybe years. I don’t know exactly.
I definitely have a lot of fluctuations in my moods and thoughts and feelings of positivity and negativity. And sometimes the positivity lasts for a longer period of time (days, weeks, months) but there has always been a fluctuation that I have struggled with for a very long time. Sometimes this fluctuation is within minutes. I’ve recently somehow been more frequently fluctuating and not only have I drove myself crazy – I’ve also been quite a handful for my husband. He’s always been the one who has to deal with me when I am at my worst and a lot of my anger and frustration has gotten directed towards him.
After I said what I did to my husband yesterday, he hugged me tight and said ‘how can I help you. I want to help you. I will help you. Please tell me what I can do’. And in many of our previous conversations, he’s always asked me what I want from him (because I had been making it quite difficult for him to live with me without getting frustrated). I told him last night to ‘Just be my friend. I need a friend and I guess I just ‘want’ that friend to be you (for some reason that I haven’t figured out why yet but maybe because that’s what I miss about our relationship).’
I somehow ended up in a place where so much of my self-worth is based on how my husband feels about me. Yesterday, I felt a genuine desire from his end to want to help me – and I immediately felt SO much better – it’s actually quite unbelievable to me. And now I want to help myself too. So today begins the next part of my journey. I want to regain my power. I want my self-worth to be based on who I am and how I feel about myself. I am so excited and motivated to be on this journey. Writing really helps me so I have made a promise to myself to check-in here daily (on a priority) to stay motivated and accountable. Thank you for reading.